Diary of a Dead Man
by OMGiitsKat
Summary: This is the Diary of Sirius Black explaining his thoughts when he was in Azkaban as well as afterwards. Please read and review! Rated T just to be safe.


_Diary of a Dead Man_

_Disclaimer: I do not own the characters or settings. J.K. Rowling does ___

_A/N: This story takes place in multiple different time periods so I will explain the chapters individually when they are posted. Please read and Review so I know what you think ____. Thanks!_

_Chapter One: Feeling Remorse_

_Background: This chapter takes place before the books a few weeks after Lily and James were killed. Sirius Black is sitting in the dark of his Azkaban cell writing on scrap paper to pass the time._

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The sound of dripping water and helpless moans are floating down the deserted corridors. The smell of rotting food and flesh and growing mold is crawling through the moist, humid air. The sight of nothing but total darkness and creatures of the night are trapping you inside of your nightmares. The feeling, of being too late.

And here I sit, in the middle of this prison, slowly rotting away from the feeling of betrayal, hurt, self hate, and complete emptiness lurking inside me. To bear the blame of such a deed is heart breaking. Not only have I lost my best friend forever, but they are blaming me of his death. In losing James, it seems that I have lost myself as well. For he was more then just my best friend, he was my brother. The four of us, James, Remus, Peter, and myself, we were all family, we were all brothers at heart, and then we were betrayed. The feeling of being betrayed by ones family is a feeling I have felt before, but this feeling, is so much more. My blood related family, they meant nothing to me, their betrayal didn't sting, but this, this is a never ending ache, like my heart is truly broken.

There are so many things I regret about that day. I wish that there was something that I could've done. I wish that I had made it to Godrics Hollow on time, I wish I could've stopped him, Peter, but he fooled us all. Although I know that he did it, although I have all the proof in the world, I just can't let myself believe it. He was always so shy, so quiet, and he idolized James, he aspired to be just like him. Ha, but who didn't? James was what everyone wanted to be. He had a great family, he had the looks, the charm, the smarts, the sense of humor, sure he was a total git, he was extremely arrogant and full of himself, and he was conceited, but he was the most loyal and trusting friend. The four of us, the marauders we called ourselves, we ruled the school, we were the top of the food chain. We were horribly cruel to everyone and yet we were the most respected students in Hogwarts. We could, and did, get any girl we wanted and we had the teachers all eating out of the palms of our hands. James, was Quidditch Captain, Head Boy, and got great marks, which surprised everybody. Every boy in Hogwarts envied him. Also, he had the prettiest girl as his girlfriend in his seventh year. It took him long enough; Lily was the only girl that James couldn't get. She thought he was too big for his bridges, that his cockiness would be the end of him. She was wrong though, James grew more mature, or tried to be more mature, his seventh year and it worked. Lily was no longer afraid to like him and they just got together. Lily, I almost miss her as much as James, and that's a scary thought. Her name fit her well, a peaceful beautiful flower, but then again, so did her hair. Fiery red, like her temper, she might have been unearthly kind, but when she was angry the world quivered in fear.

Thinking about it now, not only did he kill his best friend and his idol, but he killed Lily, the sweet innocent girl who would and did die for a cause that she believed in. Sure, he may not blame himself because it was not his wand that did it, but what he did was far worse. He sold his best friend's and Lily's lives to Voldemort, and blamed his other best friend, who is now sitting in prison regretting his life. He is such, a snitch, a backstabber, a rat! Oh, how it all makes sense now. When we were in Hogwarts we all took up studying on our own to become illegal animagus, so that Moony, or as most people know him Remus Lupin, won't be alone when he transforms. You see, Remus is a werewolf and his whole life he had to go through the torture of having no control alone. But the marauders, like I said, were family, and family stuck together so James, Peter and I decided to become animagi. Everyone's form made sense, James was a stag, elegant and majestic, yet mighty and dangerous, I was the fluffy dog, cute and playful, yet quick and potentially harmful. And Peter was a rat, shy and quiet, yet sneaky and deceiving. We never could figure out the yet part for Peter's but now I understand.

It's been so many years since our days of pranking the students and teachers and running free on full moons and things have… changed. Ever since we all left Hogwarts things have been… well, difficult, for lack of a better word. What with the war of good and evil, nobody knew who they could really trust anymore. But we tried to stick together, we stayed strong on the inside, because the key to winning in first destroying the inside then working your way out. Then we found out, for reasons unknown, that Voldemort was after the Potter's, and everything was hectic. We as the Order of the Phoenix, did everything in our power to keep Lily and James, and their young son Harry, safe. At one point they were even staying in Number 12 Grimmauld Place with me, but that was an obvious hiding place, after all, my entire family is death eaters, and since the house belonged to me and Lily and James are like family to me, they knew I would do what I could for them. Not only did Lily and James have to remain in hiding, but the rest of us had to lay low as well, and with everyone trying to watch their own backs, Peter got kind of… distant, but he was still there. That's when Lily and James decided to move to Godrics Hollow and focus on raising Harry. I remember this day better then any other, this was why I blamed myself… I don't think I'm mentally ready to explain that day yet. But whoever you are, whoever it is that is reading this, I promise, I'll make the unbreakable vow, that you will know what happened. If that night is so hard for me to talk about I can't imagine trying to talk about… the night it happened. But we'll talk about later.

For now, I've been sitting in this cell for days, wishing that things had been different, trying to find where everything went wrong. It took me a while, but then it hit me. The jumpy attitude, the constant cowardliness, the flow of questions about my family and their friends, he had always been one of them, we had never meant anything to him… it was all a lie. Everything that we had been through together, everything we had done, was all, a lie. He was truly evil, and we were to trusting and thick-headed to see it. And now I'm trapped behind iron bars, inside of my own personal hell, but I'm not complaining. Because there is nothing more they can do to me, for I am already dead. All of my reasons for living are a lie. My best friend, my brother, is dead at the hand of my other best friend. And the only other person I have thinks I killed both James and Peter and hates the fact that I'm still alive. Wait… not all my reasons, I still have some family left, maybe even the most important of them all, my god son, Harry, Harry Potter. The last I saw of him was Hagrid flying him off to Dumbledore, at least I know he'll be safe, for Dumbledore is a great man. He knows what he must do. I am not afraid of how we will grow up but instead for the troubles he will face. I am afraid that Voldemort may once again rise to power, and come after the last remaining Potter. After all, he is the boy who lived. That bight… they say… I can't. Not yet at least, but that story will come to, in time. That poor boy, did nothing to deserve what he will receive in life. He must grow up with no parents, with not knowing who he is or what happened to him. He will up without knowing his fathers sense of humor or his mothers kindness. He won't know anything of the world I am trapped inside. And the only family he has, besides his muggle aunt and uncle, is me. And all he will know of me is that I am the reason his parents are dead, but little will he know, that it was not I. I fear that Peter will try to destroy him as well, in fear of being discovered alive. And I will forever live with the guilt if anything is to happen to James and Lily's son.

All I know, is that I will do everything in my power to get out of here some day. And to you, my best friend, my brother, I will avenge you James. He will not get away with this, he will be punished for what he did to you, Lily, and your son. I will protect Harry, even if it kills me. I will do this, my brother, I swear to it. I will not fail you James, not again, not this time.


End file.
